A Field Guide to the NRI

Although I was born and brought up in the USA, India holds a special place in my heart. A welcome respite from the sterility and order of the western world, I can honestly say that I have never felt more alive than when I am caught up in the never-ending throngs of people, noise, heat and activity that characterize India. Unfortunately, these warm feelings of nostalgic longing are not ones reciprocated by the general Indian populace with regard to NRIs. Regarded with a strong derision, most Indians are extremely antagonistic to their bumbling foreign counterparts, who undeniably, have just gone soft in their sojourns abroad. The following list aims to enumerate some of the reasons why native Indians are probably not that far off in their (hurtful, but accurate) perceptions of the typical NRI.

1. The typical NRI couldn't pack to save his/her life.
Every year when my family and I touched down at Chennai International Airport, a small bus, rented from the local travels, would wait in the wings to transport all of our luggage to my aunt's flat. The typical airlines allows for a maximum of two pieces of checked baggage (weighing 23 kg and with maximum dimensions of 158 cm) and one piece of cabin luggage (weighing 7 kg and not exceeding 56x36x23 cm in size) per ticketed passenger. On top of that, passengers are also allowed to bring on board a small handbag, briefcase, laptop etc. To date, I have not been on a trip to India where we have not maxed out on our luggage limit, and our small handbags always seem, suspiciously, to resemble the sizes of our cabin baggage roll-ons.

If you thought that was amusing, picture this. It's 10:20 p.m., Chennai Egmore Station, 11+ pieces of luggage, and 2 minutes and counting to get to a second story platform and load said luggage onto the train. 6 extremely frazzled people, 2 of whom are arguing heatedly with the over-zealous porter over wages, and the other 4 who are busy pretending that they have no idea who the previous 2 are. 2nd compartment of the A/C 3-tier section of the Rockfort Express, and now 4 disgruntled fellow passengers who watch, dismayed, as every square inch of their precious space is occupied by bulky, foreign-returned suitcases, stowed away expertly by an intimidating woman who manages to maneuver acrobatically despite her constricting sari and high heels. Add to that the thrill of dodging past bribe-hungry policemen who insist that weighing in luggage of that size and quantity is standard procedure, although for a nominal fee they would be more than willing to waive the formalities. Now, I'd like to see our Superstar handle that-- wearing those ridiculous wigs, beating the baddies to a pulp while defying the laws of gravity, and lighting those cigarettes off of shirt collars are all getting a tad old.

2. NRIs are India's economic stimulus package. Ask me what my favorite city is and the answer that will immediately pop out without any hesitation is "Chennai." Ask me why I am so enamored of the city and the answer comes out a bit more hesitantly. You see, I could respond about how the amalgamation of cultures and lifestyles, from the cheri, Madras-basha afficianados along Marina Beach to the madisaar mammis of Besant Nagar, fascinate me. I could talk about the unique architecture of the city, melding its regal British colonial past with its modern, high-tech present. I could talk about the vibrant, youthful nature of the city, or of the infamous traffic conditions wherein one always travels with one's heart in one's mouth. Or maybe I should mention Kollywood and the infinite opportunities to celebrity stalk all over the city.
In reading the previous list, you are probably wondering why I mentioned that answering the question of what specifically attracts me to Chennai is difficult. I obviously had quite a bit to say on the issue. Problem is, in all of my visits to the city I have not experienced much of the above. All of the stuff I mentioned before is the stuff of my secret desires and the product of reading any travel guide to the city I could get my hands on. Truth is, the only parts of Chennai I have actually seen are Citi Centre, Spencers Plaza, Fountain Plaza, Alsa Mall, Higginbothams, RMKV, Naidu Hall (T Nagar), etc.
Three exacting women, two jet-lagged days, 6+ outfit purchases per woman. Enough said.
3. The Language Divide. NRI children will often lack the Tamil skills to communicate in any capacity with their doting grandparents. Do not be surprised, however, when nai, panni, pisasu, somari, kasmalam, and other choice words spew profusely from their lips. Such is life.
4. NRIs are an oddly shaped bunch. Nearly 40% of all Americans are obese, a health epidemic that is attributable to the sedentary lifestyles of the American people and the prevalence and relative inexpensiveness of high-fat fast foods. Unfortunately for the NRI, even if they manage to escape the siren song of American eating and physical activity habits, a greater evil awaits them back home. This syndrome, enacted at the hands of doting relatives who feel a compulsion to express their love through food, is aptly known as I'mSoHugeINeedToBeRolledOntoMyReturnFlight. Symptoms include relatives planning the several dishes to be present at lunch and dinner just as you've sat down to eat breakfast, and severe guilt trips equating eating "too little" with disinterest and a lack of affection for the cook.
5. NRIs have strange hygeine issues. My family and I once took a bus from Tiruchi to Bangalore, thanks to the lack of space by rail, as usual. When we were seated on the bus, every single eye was on us. The reason? My mother had taken out a pack of soapy diaper wipes and was energetically wiping her seat, the window sill, the bars of the window and any other surface the wipes would reach.
Also, on a side note, only the NRI would insist on paying 300 rupees for bottled Bisleri at every restaurant, despite its virtual indistinction from the cups of water the waiter places on the table.
I hope you enjoyed reading this list and got a good laugh. Feel free to add any other observations to the comments section.
P.S. No NRIs were harmed in the creation of this post.